A Queer Photographer's Guide to Planning Your Wedding (Without All the Gendered Bullshit)
Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of you. But if you’re queer—or just not super into being crammed into a traditional gender box—the whole wedding industrial complex can feel like a minefield of outdated roles, awkward assumptions, and straight-up nonsense.
From the second you get engaged (and even before), you’re bombarded with messaging about “the bride and groom”, about “her dress” and “his suit”, and about a million things that don’t apply, or even actively feel gross for queer couples.
If you’ve found yourself side-eyeing vendor forms that assume there’s a “bride’s family” and a “groom’s family,” or touring venues with a frilly, all-white “bridal suite” and a cigar-filled “groom’s lounge”…yeah. You’re not imagining it.
The wedding industry is soaked in gendered nonsense. But you don’t have to translate your love story into a script that was never written for you. You can toss out any part of the wedding process that doesn’t feel like yours.
This is your guide to planning a wedding that actually feels like you, without the gender binary bullshit. Whether you’re queer, trans, nonbinary, or just not into roles that don’t fit—this one’s for you.
Step Zero: De-Gendering Your Proposal & Engagement
The assumptions start before the ring even hits the finger.
Mainstream wedding culture assumes a man is going to propose to a woman with a surprise diamond ring. But what if neither of you is a man? What if you both want rings? What if surprise proposals aren’t your jam?
Talk to your partner. Decide together what engagement looks like for you. None of this has to follow the "man gets down on one knee" format. Do you want to plan it together? Both propose to each other? Is surprise important? Is it important for one particular person to do the proposal? Who will receive an engagement ring? Who will pick out that ring? What actually feels romantic and resonant when you picture that event?
Whatever feels right, do that.
Funding the Wedding
Another dusty-ass tradition? The idea that the bride’s family is supposed to foot the bill.
That model might not apply to you! Maybe you're both contributing, or maybe both of your families are chipping in. Maybe you’re eloping with just a handful of people and spending your budget on pizza and tattoos instead of chair covers.
Discuss finances with your partner and anyone else who’s contributing. Who’s paying for what, and why? Having a solid idea for your budget and how you’re planning to pay for things is a solid step one in the whole wedding planning process.
Hire Vendors Who Actually Get It
There’s a big difference between “queer-friendly” and actually queer.
Queer-friendly vendors are certainly a step in the right direction in that they are not discriminatory, but having vendors who are actually queer themselves or serve *primarily* queer client bases are less likely to have certain gender BS baked into their practices without even knowing it.
They’re more likely to use de-gendered language, be attuned to pronouns, and understand the dynamics of queer love without needing a crash course.
Look for vendors who:
Ask for your names instead of bride/groom
Respect your pronouns without flinching
Don’t assume a bouquet toss or a first dance is happening
Share values that resonate with you
Queer vendors don’t just “include” you, they SEE you, and that matters!
Wardrobe = Wear Whatever the Hell You Want
All wardrobe is for all genders. Period. Wedding dresses aren’t just for women. Suits aren’t just for men. Bouquets aren’t just for “brides.” Hair and makeup shouldn’t only be offered to femmes.
Whether you want a suit, a jumpsuit, a colored gown, or sequined coveralls, if it makes you feel powerful, hot, and like you, it belongs. You can also opt in or out of any of the traditional wedding accessories. For instance, I love wedding dresses, but veils and bouquets aren't really my thing, so I'm skipping those at my own wedding.
Bonus tip: work with designers or shops that specialize in queer, nonbinary, and trans clients, and showcase diverse models in their materials. They’ll know how to fit your body and your gender identity.
Ditch the Gender Roles in Wedding Parties + Pre-Wedding Events
No one needs to be assigned to a “side.”
You can skip the bridesmaids/groomsmen divide. You can call them your “wedding crew,” your “ride-or-dies,” or nothing at all. You can all get ready together, throw a mixed-gender pre-wedding bash, or spend the morning soaking in a quiet bath solo. You’re not obligated to separate your people by gender for any part of this.
Want someone to stand beside you on your wedding day? You don’t have to default to “maid of honor” or “best man”. Just pick whoever you’d like beside you!
Your Ceremony Script
“You may now kiss the bride.”? Hard pass. The bride walks down the aisle to be “given away” by her dad, if that’s relevant and what you want, sure.
You get to write your own ceremony script, or work with an officiant who gets you. Decide who (if anyone) walks down the aisle, who stands with you, and what language reflects your love.
Queer the Reception, Too
Will you and your partner do a first dance? Who will twirl whom around when you're out on the dance floor? If you don't like the traditional father-daughter/mother-son pairings for parent dances, how can you mix it up to make it feel more like you?
You don’t need a bouquet toss. You don’t need a first dance. You don’t need to assign gendered roles to parent dances. You can change clothes midway through the night. You can skip dinner and have a dance party in a club. You can have a silent disco, a bubble machine, and a late-night dip in a pool.
Whatever feels like you is valid. If it makes you feel like you’re performing for an audience? Toss it.
Legal Shit & Name Changes
Who (if anyone) is changing their name? Why? What does that represent for you? Consider pronouns, prefixes (Mr./Mx./none at all), and what will feel most affirming in your new chapter. And if you’re doing legal paperwork like a prenup, make sure it reflects the true dynamics of your partnership—not outdated gender roles about labor, earning, or ownership.
You get to build a marriage that works for your actual lives, not just what a form says.
You Can Do Whatever the F*ck You Want
The wedding industry will try to tell you what you have to do. So will well-meaning friends and family. And Instagram. And Pinterest. And vendors who “don’t mean anything by it.”
You don’t owe anyone shit.
Every piece of your wedding can be chosen. Or not. The only thing you’re obligated to do is marry the person you love (assuming you want to). Everything else is optional.
De-gendering your wedding isn’t just about rejecting tradition. It’s about reclaiming space. It’s about building a day that sees you, celebrates you, and feels fucking awesome to live inside of.
The more we collectively de-gender weddings, the more space we make for future queer love stories to unfold without friction, confusion, or compromise.
This is your permission slip to rip up the playbook.
And if you’re looking for a wedding photographer who gets it, I’m right here and I’d love to hear from you!
Playful Greenpoint Loft Wedding in Brooklyn, NY
If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when two fabulous peeps toss tradition out the window and throw a Broadway-infused, candy-fueled rooftop rager instead, then welcome to Madison and Collette’s Greenpoint Loft wedding.
This day was playful, irreverent, delightfully kitschy, and absolutely packed with personality. Think elaborate custom ballgowns, fruity schnapps, Cheez-Its at cocktail hour, and an escape room-style game. Yes, really.
Why Greenpoint Loft Was the Perfect Venue Choice
Greenpoint Loft is one of my favorite wedding venues in NYC, where industrial-rustic meets airy elegance. It’s a two-story converted warehouse with sky-high ceilings, oversized windows that flood the space with natural light, and one of the best rooftop views of the Manhattan skyline around.
Greenpoint Loft is perfect for couples who want space to play with design without having to “pretty up” a dark ballroom or fight against venue aesthetics that don’t match their vision.
Max capacity: 185 guests
Rooftop for ceremonies, cocktail hours, and skyline vibes
Greenpoint Loft Wedding Cost: It depends on your event and the day of the week. Current pricing is as follows: Mon–Thurs, $6,000+; Fri, $8,000; Sat, $9,500; Sun, $7,000. Always double-check with the venue for specific and up-to-date pricing for your event.
Fun & Unique Details for Their Greenpoint Loft Wedding
Madison and Collette weren’t interested in a stiff, highbrow wedding experience, and thank fuck for that, because what they pulled off instead was infinitely better. Some of my favorite highlights:
Broadway playbill-style wedding programs (because of course) and a full-on Broadway sing-along that broke out on the dance floor to close the night.
Rooftop schnapps toast to kick off the party! They toasted the ceremony with mini bottles of 99 Brand schnapps. If you’re not familiar with them, they are these nostalgic, slightly chaotic little candy-flavored shots!
They did “Bodega Bites” for their cocktail hour. Think Cheez-Its, mini cookies, and other classic snack-pack nostalgia. Because who needs caviar when you have nostalgia and carbs?
An interactive escape-room-meets-scavenger-hunt game created by Madison (who is also an event planner). It added a dose of silliness and surprise, keeping the guests laughing and exploring all night.
Let’s Talk About Those Dresses
Madison and Collette wore absolutely showstopping custom ballgowns designed and handmade by their friend (@edouardoromainstudio). They were elaborate, theatrical, and so perfectly them. One gown was even converted into a jumpsuit for the reception, truly a queer fashion dream.
The combined width of their gowns was so glorious that they actually had to practice the aisle walk before the ceremony to make sure they could fit side-by-side. Iconic.
Golden Hour on the Rooftop
We took full advantage of the rooftop at golden hour, which is one of the biggest perks of Greenpoint Loft. Natural light, skyline backdrop, and enough space for toasts, games, and spontaneous dance parties? Yes please.
This wedding is the kind I live for! It was one that doesn’t try to be anyone else’s version of perfect. Madison and Collette brought themselves, their community, and their irreverent, loving energy to the forefront, and the result was pure queer joy.
Planning a Greenpoint Loft Wedding?
If you’re looking for a NYC wedding venue that gives you full creative freedom, Greenpoint Loft is the one.
And if you want photos that don’t turn your day into a styled shoot? I’ve got you. I’ll be there for the big feelings, the weird traditions, the chosen family hugs, and whatever else makes your wedding day yours.
I’m Caroline, your queer documentary wedding photographer in NYC, and I’d love to hear from you. Reach out here to inquire with me about your NYC wedding!
What Working with a Documentary Wedding Photographer Actually Looks Like
In today’s wedding photography world, there’s a massive emphasis on curating your wedding as a primarily aesthetic experience. So many couples find themselves in situations where they feel they’re planning a “photo performance” rather than a wedding.
What started as a celebration of love and life has, in many corners of the industry, been distorted into a day of staging “candid” moments that are, in fact, highly orchestrated, contrived performances for the camera.
And a lot of couples are turned off by that. Rightfully.
If you’re more interested in actually experiencing your wedding day than performing it, documentary wedding photography might be the right fit for you.
Your Wedding Experience Is More Important Than Your Photographer’s Portfolio
Modern wedding photography has become, frankly, a little unhinged.
Weddings are increasingly being planned for the photos, and I don’t mean it in a cute “we’ll want to remember this” kind of way. I mean, vendors and timelines being chosen solely to serve the aesthetic of a photographer’s portfolio. Moments being staged to look candid. Couples being directed into picture-perfect poses that have zero grounding in who they are or how they actually connect.
You deserve a photographer who prioritizes your vision and your experience, and NOT someone who’s trying to build a Pinterest-perfect portfolio off your wedding day.
A documentary-style photographer isn’t going to pull you away from your community, stage intimate moments, or chase the best light at the expense of your memories.
My goal is to simply show up, witness your love, and capture what actually happens.
Your wedding experience > my portfolio. Always.
Everyone on Your Vendor Team Needs to Be on the Same Page
It's important to have *all* of your wedding vendors on board with the documentary-style approach to your photography, even though it may seem like it's only about your photographer's style.
Even if you’re working with a photographer who takes a documentary approach, if your planner, day-of coordinator, or stylist is used to working with traditional photographers, they might unintentionally start stage-directing moments for the camera.
This is usually well-meaning, as coordinators are used to the formulas most photographers follow and often think they’re helping. But if your priority is real, candid documentation, it’s really important to let your vendors know that upfront. Set the tone early!
“Fuck Flattering” aka What Documentary Photography Really Looks Like
Listen. If you want photos where you never have a double chin, a strand of hair out of place, or your eyes half-closed, this may not be the approach for you.
But if you want photos where you’re laughing so hard you can’t breathe, crying on your sibling’s shoulder, laughing so hard your whole body folds over, dancing like an unhinged goblin at 11 pm, or throwing your head back mid-dance to a terrible karaoke rendition of “Since U Been Gone”... that’s where the gold is.
Documentary wedding photography embraces the messy, beautiful realness of being alive. The last thing you should be worrying about is your chin angle
And honestly? That’s way more flattering than any pose will ever be.
Real Moments Don’t Always Happen in Perfect Light
Perfect light is great. But real life doesn’t always wait for the perfect conditions.
I will never stop a real moment so I can move it into better light. I’m not going to interrupt a conversation so I can turn your body 20 degrees toward a window. I’m not going to ask you to recreate a moment just because it happened in the “wrong” part of the room.
The light will be what it will be. And it’ll all still be beautiful because you’re in it.
Plan Your Wedding Like There Won’t Be a Photographer
Seriously. Pretend I’m not coming. Plan your wedding based on what you want it to look and feel like, not what you think will photograph well.
We can absolutely set aside 30 minutes for some portraits or family photos if that’s important to you. But you don’t need to block off hours of your timeline just to accommodate a shot list you don’t care about. We can get everything we need without disrupting the flow of your day!
Golden Hour Isn’t Everything
This may be an unpopular opinion since a lot of wedding photographers insist on golden hour portraits. But golden hour tends to happen during the same time that cocktail hour or reception is going on. That means if you want golden hour photos, you may end up being pulled away from parts of your cocktail hour or reception.
Many of my clients who are drawn to documentary-style wedding photography want to be fully present for all the parts of their wedding they've spent so much time, energy, and money planning (and get to eat all those delicious, expensive hors d’oeuvres that are being passed around!).
You can have stunning photographs of your wedding day without getting golden hour portraits – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise :) If your photographer knows what they’re doing with a camera, they’ll be able to get amazing photos in any lighting conditions.
Ditch the Shot List
Shot lists assume you know in advance what will be meaningful. But documentary wedding photography is about staying open to surprise and letting the real, special stuff reveal itself.
My most interesting, memorable, and beautiful photos on wedding days don’t come from a shot list – they come from moments that I could not in my wildest dreams have orchestrated on my own!
Yes, I’ll Still Help You When You Need It
Just because I shoot documentary-style doesn’t mean I’ll leave you hanging. If we’re doing family portraits, I’ll guide you through them. If you want a few couples’ portraits but need help easing into it, I’ve got you.
But I’m not going to micromanage every finger placement or head tilt. There’s a difference between gently facilitating a moment (“sit here and snuggle up however feels natural”) and constructing one from scratch (“hold her this way, tilt your head, now kiss”).
I usually aim for something like 90% documentary, 10% gentle direction—enough to make you feel supported, but not staged.
Not Every Moment Will Get Captured, And That’s Okay Too
Working with a documentary wedding photographer means that some amazing moments that you can’t even anticipate will get documented. It also means that not every moment of the wedding day will be captured – and that’s okay!
Your photographer might be off capturing some amazing Giant Jenga game unfolding among the gaggle of 12-year-old nieces when you and your new spouse are sharing a kiss on the other side of the cocktail hour.
That doesn’t mean you have to recreate that kiss for your photographer when they get back. Nor does it mean you should wait for your photographer to be present to do anything special or meaningful; some of these special moments will happen outside the line of sight of your photographer, and that’s okay.
Just because every single moment isn’t captured in photos doesn’t mean you won’t remember them!
P.S. Even non-documentary photographers might miss some moments; there is a lot going on at the same time on your wedding day!
Presence > Performance
When you work with a documentary photographer, you’re choosing presence over perfection & performance.
It means trusting that the most meaningful parts of your wedding can’t be choreographed, and that’s what makes them beautiful.
You get to experience your day. I’ll take care of remembering it for you.
If this approach sounds like something you’d love to have for your own wedding day, then hey I’m Caroline, your queer documentary wedding photographer in NYC, and I’d love to hear from you. Reach out here to inquire, and let’s dream up your day together!
Brooklyn Botanic Garden Wedding at the Cherry Blossom Esplanade
This spring wedding at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden took place under what can only be described as a heavenly canopy of cherry blossoms. Their day was a Studio Ghibli-level dreamscape with soft petals falling in the breeze, trees absolutely bursting with pink, and golden light filtering through in a way that made the air feel pink.
If you’re planning a Brooklyn Botanic Garden wedding and wondering whether cherry blossom season is worth the gamble… yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
Why Choose the Brooklyn Botanic Garden for Your Wedding
Located right in the heart of Brooklyn, the Botanic Gardens is one of the most iconic outdoor wedding venues in NYC. It offers couples the rare chance to feel connected to nature and the seasons in a city where that can be difficult sometimes!
Plus, the garden itself doesn’t need much additional decor. The nature is the decor. Especially during springtime, when everything is blooming, there’s a feeling of being inside a living, breathing work of art.
J and A’s wedding landed right in that peak Cherry Blossom window. After days of rain, the skies cleared just in time, and theirs ended up being the only true full-bloom cherry blossom wedding of the season.
Brooklyn Botanic Garden Wedding Ceremony
Here’s what you need to know about planning your ceremony under the cherry blossoms at the Esplanade, or one of the other Gardens’ beautiful gardens. Ceremony bookings at BBG are limited to early morning only and are wildly popular. You’ll want to plan ahead (like, way ahead) to snag a spot during peak bloom season.
The Garden allows just two ceremonies per weekend day, and they need to wrap up by 10 a.m.
Some quick logistics:
Ceremony permit: $628 for up to 50 guests
Max capacity: 60 guests total ($628 for up to 50 people + an additional 10 guests at a cost of $22 per person)
No indoor backups, so bring umbrellas or good vibes.
You can pick from several ceremony locations: Fragrance Garden, Japanese Hill-and-Pond Garden, Osborne Garden, Plant Family Collection, Rose Garden, or Water Garden, based upon availability.
Always double-check the most up-to-date information about their Garden ceremonies on their site!
J and A’s ceremony took place under the cherry blossom trees with no need for arches or fancy structures. It was just two people in love, surrounded by their people and nature doing its thing. If you’re looking for a city wedding that doesn’t feel like a “city wedding,” BBG might be your spot.
Just a Little Bit Punk
The bride wore a floral brocade dress that beautifully echoed the cherry blossoms. Then she threw on a leather jacket and sunglasses, looking cool as hell. Absolute main character energy. The perfect blend of softness and edge.
Brooklyn Botanic Gardens Wedding Reception at the Atrium
The outdoor ceremony was followed by an indoor reception in the Garden's dramatic glass-walled Atrium. It is a bright and modern reception space with floor-to-ceiling windows, string lights, and sunset glow bouncing off wine glasses. The Atrium looks right onto the Cherry Esplanade, so you could still see the pink blooms from indoors!
And if you’re planning your reception here, the Atrium can accommodate up to 125 guests for the celebration.
Couple’s Testimonial
"Caroline did such an amazing job at our wedding! We were on the same page from the start about the kind of moments I wanted to capture (and what I didn’t want — clichéd shots and gender norms). They were super receptive, patient, and collaborated really well with our other vendors. Caroline is authentic and a pleasure to work with. The photos from our wedding were absolutely out of this world and a testament to Caroline’s skill and style."
Planning Your Own Brooklyn Botanic Garden Wedding?
When you're getting married in a place this stunning, with light this rare and love this tangible, you don't want to spend the day staging shit. You want someone who knows how to see it—and feel it with you.
I photograph weddings documentary-style, which means I won’t be yelling poses or interrupting your vows for a better angle. I’ll be in it with you—catching the way the petals land in your hair, the warmth of the light on your guests’ faces, and the joy that lives between the moments.
If this approach sounds like something you’d love to have for your own wedding day, then hey, I’m Caroline, your queer documentary wedding photographer in NYC, and I’d love to hear from you. Reach out here to inquire, and let’s dream up your day together!
Vendors
Venue: Brooklyn Botanic Garden
Photography: Me, Caroline King
Florals: Marigolds
Planning: Sarah Glowacki Events
Funky Queer Halloween Elopement in Brooklyn, NY
It’s Halloween night in Brooklyn. Everyone’s in costume. There’s jazz blasting from a neon-lit stage, a leather flogger flying through the air like a kinky bouquet, and two radiant brides making out in a velvet booth under a disco ball.
Welcome to Jing & Lea’s spooky queer Halloween elopement.
A Non-Traditional Queer Halloween Elopement That Was All Vibes
Lea had been a past boudoir client of mine, so when she reached out with the subject line “spooky dyke Halloween elopement”, I didn’t even need to read the rest—I was in.
The day started with a private courthouse ceremony (not photographed), and then I joined them for what can only be described as the most deliciously queer, untraditional, and funk-filled elopement reception ever.
It started with a cocktail hour at The Turk’s Inn, an eclectic retro paradise in Bushwick, followed by a swingin’ jazz concert at The Sultan Room next door.
They showed up dressed like from Gatsby’s dream. It gave vintage glam, meeting goth femme. Jing in a stunning red qipao with black lace gloves. Lea in a sheer beaded gown and pearl headpiece with fingerless white gloves to match.
A Funky, Retro Venue That Basically Stole the Show
The Turk's Inn space is an eclectic, sexy space with ENORMOUSLY photogenic decor and furniture. It’s a maximalist dream with 70s-inspired design, saturated colors, shag carpets, beaded curtains, conversation pits, colorful leather booths, funky mirrors, and velvet. I want to photograph in this space forever!!
We did a full-on photo romp through the bar before guests arrived. Jing and Lea were very into the costume-y, stylized, flirty energy of the space, and leaned all the way in. Think sultry glances through beaded curtains, flirting at the bar, cozying up in booths, clinking cocktail glasses, plus some retro glam poses.
The Halloween Elopement Cocktail Hour, aka Sexy Conversation Pit Cuddle Puddle
Instead of a formal sit-down dinner, the couple hosted a Halloween cocktail hour in the conversation pit—a lounge area that became a cuddle puddle of friends in costume, sipping drinks and having fun.
Guests showed up in full Halloween drag, bringing energy that was festive, weird, and perfect. And instead of a bouquet toss? Lea tossed a leather flogger. To me, the photo of that moment looks like it belongs in the Met, somewhere between Renaissance painting and queer club night.
The Reception
The night wrapped up in the Sultan Room, the venue’s music space, where the couple’s friend and her jazz band put on a full concert. The crowd was a mix of friends in costume, couples swing dancing, and folks just vibing in the electric blue stage lights.
Jing and Lea were glowing the whole time, not because of any spotlight, but because they were so deeply themselves.
F The Traditions
If you’re planning a wedding or elopement and thinking, “what if we just did whatever the fuck we wanted?” DO IT! This is your sign!
Jing & Lea’s elopement is proof that you can throw out the rulebook entirely. In fact, light the book on fire and toss the ashes. Whether that means vintage-inspired fashion, spooky queer energy, a conversation pit instead of a reception hall, or a flogger in place of a bouquet—you’re allowed to make your own traditions.
And if you’re looking for a queer wedding photographer who’s fully on board for the weird, the wonderful, and the wildly personal, I’m here for it. I’ll show up, document the hell out of it, and I’ll never ask you to act like someone you’re not.
Reach out to book your Brooklyn elopement photographer for a day that’s all about you.
In Defense of Posting Your Nudes on the Internet
It’s not bad to post nudes of yourself on the internet. There I said it.
It’s not bad to post nudes of yourself on the internet. There I said it.
I am a firm believer that nudity is not something that we have to keep private, save only for people we are romantically or sexually involved with, or inherently regard as sexual. Furthermore, even with respect to photos that are inherently sensual or sexual in nature, I still don’t believe that the world seeing us as sensual, sexual beings is a threat to our respectability, our humanity, or our professionalism.
Liora K Photography takes all my best nudes.
There. Now you’ve seen me naked.
How are you feeling?
I’m feeling pretty much the same. Actually, I feel closer to you, reader! You now know what the cool textural landscape of my armpit hair and stretch marks and scars from my breast reduction looks like up close, you can study the shape of the lumpy underside of them from where the surgeon rearranged all that breast tissue, you can even trace the lil squiggly vein that became visible on the bottom of one of them after my surgery.
How special!
You know what I’m not feeling now that you’ve seen me naked? Diminished or violated in any way. It turns out the two aren’t intrinsically connected!
I have been posting revealing photos of myself on the internet for years, and when I first started, I’ll admit it was scary! It’s insanely vulnerable, you have no idea if you’re going to face backlash, and you feel quite literally so effing exposed. But I immediately found that it became easier and more comfortable the more I did it. The more I shared of myself, and the more I tangibly saw that the world didn’t end when I did it, and the more I could focus on the positive things I was getting out of it instead of the Big Scary Regrets I was always told I would feel, the more free and powerful I felt.
I think there are a lot of reasons why sharing your body with the world can be incredibly valuable, but for some reason all we ever hear about is what the dangers, downsides, and terrible consequences of sharing your nudes on the internet are.
So let’s talk about some of the reasons why I think you should, if you want to, share your nudes with the world.
Seeing Bodies That Look Like Ours is Healing
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone comment on a photo of a client that I have shared and say something like, “Oh my god this is what my body looks like, I never see people with [insert feature here], it’s so amazing to see someone else with a body like this.”
If we rely on commercial representations of what bodies look like to determine our sense of what is normal, well, I think we all know how that ends.
The bodies that we are shown in most media represent an extremely narrow slice of the population. In fact, they barely represent them, given how edited and distorted and airbrushed those photos are. If we are going to rewrite our sense of what kinds of bodies are normal, we are going to have to share our own with each other.
When I was younger, I went through a pretty substantial phase of what I would now retrospectively describe as an eating disorder. It’s one that is extremely familiar to people my age and younger — orthorexia. This particular form of disordered eating involves an obsession with health and nutrition as the root of the neurosis, and it is often paired with an exercise obsession for a neat little package of absolutely garbage beliefs and behaviors masked as a commitment to health, fitness, and wellness. It’s a sneaky one because it’s pitched to us as a virtuous way of loving our bodies by caring for them, when in reality it’s just a barely-veiled toolset for disparaging and punishing them.
One of my most obsessive behaviors was scrolling for hours and hours and hours and hours through “fitspo” (short for “fitspiration”) content on Tumblr and Pinterest. If you’re lucky enough to have made it through your life without knowing what fitspo is, it’s basically just pictures of people with Super Hot Bods, in the traditional sense, that are supposed to serve as inspiration for you to stare at and feel a sense of purpose and motivation. Spoiler alert: this is Very Bad.
In my eating disorder recovery, one of the most instrumental steps I took was to do a complete audit and makeover of my social media feeds. I went through and unfollowed every account that even halfway reminded me of this kind of content, and I purposely sought out and followed people with diverse bodies. Suddenly, my feeds were flooded with all sorts of bodies, some of which looked like mine and some of which didn’t, and every time I opened my social media accounts my sense of what was normal was recalibrated a little more. Over time, this kind of consistent exposure to bodies of all kinds re-wrote my implicit default sense of what bodies look like.
Today’s analog of fitspo Tumblr is just…the entirety of influencer internet. We are flooded with images of a very specific type of face and body, and given the flaming hellscape that is the arbitrary and unequal enforcement of community standards, certain kinds of bodies are censored far more than others. Especially when it comes to sexy and/or revealing imagery, if we let the algorithms decide what our sense of normalcy is, it’s no wonder most of us have such a warped understanding of what bodies and sexuality are and should be like.
When I first started posting revealing photos of myself on the internet, it was only because I had seen other people who look like me do it that I felt emboldened to do so. When my clients and followers say that seeing photos of other people’s bodies makes them feel empowered not only to share their own photos, but to shift how they think about their own bodies, it makes me feel like I am part of a magical, vibrant, varied, unshakeable community. Sharing your nudes is doing the lord’s work (no seriously).
Increasing Your (Naked) Freedom in Your Body Can Help You Embrace Body Neutrality
One of the most interesting things I have noticed since having more and more people see me naked (and being in a career where I see tons of other people naked all the time) is how it has contributed to an overall sense of neutrality about my body. Of course, seeing bodies and having people see mine makes me feel warm and fuzzy and full of love for all of our beautiful forms, but it has also just made so many things about bodies feel sort of…unremarkable? In a good way!
When we hide our bodies all the time, we build up an inherent sense of significance and value about what is underneath, and moments of exposure of that hidden territory (intentional or unintentional) can feel so much more laden with value judgment than they otherwise would be. If no one has ever seen my bare stomach and then suddenly it is exposed when I reach for something on a high shelf, my first thought is going to be “oh my god that is uncharted territory for these people to see….what must they think about it?” There is suddenly an acute sense of control over how people are perceiving my body, and I might suddenly worry about how to best present it so that it looks good when they do see it.
This is further exacerbated if I have an implicit belief that my particular body part is weird or abnormal in some way. Now, not only are they seeing some part of my body for the first time, they are seeing a weird version of that body part. “I never see people with [insert body part here] that looks like mine, so mine must be extra worthy of attention and scrutiny when it is revealed!!”
But being immersed in a world where bodies, my own and others, are exposed all the time actually sort of diminishes my sense of the significance of whatever my particular body parts look like. I have seen one zillion boobs of all shapes and sizes and textures and colors, so the particular details of mine don’t stand out in one way or another, good or bad, in my mind. I have seen so many people’s bodies that look so vastly different that when my body changes in some way and looks more like one kind of body or another, that change feels unremarkable — a mere wave in the ever-shifting ocean of all the bodies that exist.
The goal of feeling better about your body overall is extremely worthy; I hope everyone finds a way to love their body someday. But there’s also such a relief in just letting your body exist. The neutrality that comes from diverse body visibility is such a breath of fresh air, and choosing to share your body with the world can help lift that burden of constant heightened significance and value judgment that keeping it hidden all the time can foster.
The Dangers Are…Unclear At Best
There are a lot of fucking weirdos out there. And it is very important that we protect ourselves from them as best we can.
But I reject that we have to hide our bodies from the world just because some people are fucking weirdos.
In the current digital age where basically anyone can access almost anything about us that we post on the internet, keeping ourselves safe from weirdos is crucial. Not posting information that makes it easier for a weirdo to find you (location information, private data, travel plans, etc.) is a great baseline. Having good safety practices in place when you’re meeting new people (bring a friend to pick up that lamp you found on Facebook marketplace, meet new dates in a public place, pick a spot a few blocks away to hand off your drugs, whatever) is key.
Hiding your boobs? I’m not sure how that one helps.
I think a lot of warnings about the dangers of posting revealing photos of yourself on the internet can be reduced to the following threats: threat of professional or interpersonal repercussions, threat of embarrassment, threat to dignity, and threat of future regret. These are often conflated with true safety concerns, but they’re very different considerations. Of course each person will have to decide how they feel about each of these threats, but here are my own personal feelings about them:
Threat of professional or interpersonal repercussions: In my own personal line of work and personal circle of friends, family, and acquaintances, this is not a big problem. I am a boudoir photographer and my whole life is naked people, so nudity is an extremely unremarkable phenomenon in my world. I am fortunate that my career can really only be helped by the world seeing my boobs. And in my experience, any professional or personal opportunities that are closed to me because the world knows what my boobs look like are not ones that I am interested in.
Now, to be clear, for some people and in some professional domains, there might be very real professional consequences to having revealing photos of themselves on the internet, and it is one hundred percent reasonable to take that into consideration in making this decision. But it isn’t always, obviously true for everyone that having nudes on the internet is a professional death sentence. And for some people (like me), the benefits outweigh the risks and losses. This won’t be true for everyone, but you are allowed to decide that it is for you. And for what it’s worth, almost all of my clients who choose to share their photos on the internet are in different professional fields than I am, so this is not just an idiosyncratic possibility in my own life.
Threat of embarrassment: I actually think the fact that I have shared my own nudes of my own volition makes it harder to embarrass me. Everyone already knows what my pubes look like, you can’t hurt me. Of course, some weirdo could do some shit like photoshop my boobs onto Mitch McConnell’s body or make some sort of deepfake porn of me and a hammerhead shark, but frankly I think they should be more embarrassed by that than I should.
Threat to dignity: My sense of dignity is mine to determine, not someone else’s. I don’t feel undignified because people know what my boobs look like, and if someone else thinks I am undignified I really don’t lose any sleep about it.
Threat of future regret: The internet is forever. Sharing things on the internet means releasing control over being able to undo that decision, and making peace with the possibility that if I change my mind someday about wanting my nudes on the internet I won’t be able to ensure that I can remove them. But I can only make this decision with as much care and thoughtfulness as I make any other permanent decision. I can’t ensure that I will never ever feel differently about it in the future, but we make all sorts of permanent decisions (tattoos, relationships, finances, children) that we can’t ensure we won’t regret in the future; we just have to make the most thoughtful decision we can. There are big and serious and life-changing benefits to sharing your body with the world, and I have decided that those outweigh whatever hypothetical (and, I think, unlikely) regret I could possibly feel in the future.
I won’t attempt a full analysis of the relationship between actual physical safety and posting revealing photos of yourself on the internet, both because I don’t know what the actual statistics are, if any exist, about the relationship between the two, and because each person will have a different personal calculus of the risk/benefit tradeoffs of having their nudes be visible to the public. I also don’t deny that there might be some physical safety considerations that are important to take into account in making the decision. But I will say this: I am not aware of any reputable data that indicates that posting nudes of yourself on the internet significantly increases your risk of personal physical harm, so in my own personal calculus, the benefits I have found of sharing my body on the internet outweigh those hypothetical considerations.
Agency Matters Most
There is a big, big, big, big difference between sharing your own body on the internet on your terms and of your own volition and someone else leaking your nudes without your consent. One is an empowered choice, the other is a sex crime.
I am talking about the first one here.
Making an informed, thoughtful choice to post or allow the posting of photos of your body can be incredibly freeing and empowering. You should be able to have the final say over where and in what manner images of your body are posted. Every client who works with me has full control over the privacy of their images (not even just for boudoir — your headshots are private if you want them to be too!) When you book a boudoir shoot with me, for example, you receive a model release form where you get to select your preferences for who will get to see the photos and in what manner (if any) I am permitted to share them on the internet. Here are the options that every client gets to choose from:
I always want agency to be at the forefront of the entire process because, when given the opportunity, people’s experiences of sharing their bodies with the world consensually and on their terms can be incredibly therapeutic. I never want anyone to feel pressured, of course, but more than that, I want to give them the space to actively choose to share themselves if they have the inclination to. And feel only good about it afterward!
I think that the way that we often talk about the perils of nudes being posted on the internet is quite disempowering. It is so often framed as a thing that happens to people without their consent, rarely as something that people have informed agency about. And even when we talk about it being done consensually, there is this implication of naïveté and vapidness that casts the decision to post nudes as something that is done by people who are acting impulsively, uncritically, and without due consideration of the consequences.
But the truth is that it is possible to make an informed, thoughtful, positive choice to share your body on the internet and then do so without regretting it.
Agency changes everything. As one of my clients put it, “If someone shared it without me knowing, then of course it’s a big fat NO. But if someone seeing my naked body makes them feel good or reassured that all bodies are beautiful, then hell to the yes show my tits and ass off baby!!!!”
Ultimately, the choice to share your body on the internet should be one hundred million percent yours. No one should ever feel pressured to do so if they don’t want, but I am also here to yell from the other side of the room: nor should anyone feel pressured not to if it’s something they actively and thoughtfully want to do.
Fuck it, it’s your body, it’s a gift to us all should you choose to share it.
The Definitive Guide to Non-Cheesy Boudoir Photography
Boudoir photography gets a bad rap for being full of cheese. And for good reason…
The world of boudoir photography gets a bad rap for being full of cheese. And for good reason — there is so much boudoir photography out there that is deeply cheesy. It’s stiff, it’s corny, it’s photoshopped within an inch of its life, and it’s catering to a very specific gaze. But it doesn’t have to be that way!
I get clients all the time who come to me and say “I’m nervous to do a boudoir shoot because I’m afraid I’m going to feel stupid”. And honestly, I think that fear comes from the fact that so much boudoir depicts people doing things that look stupid. So much lip biting, unnatural poses, and “bedroom eyes” that verge more on Clockwork Orange than America’s Next Top Model. Seriously, whoever came up with the “look at me like you have a sexy secret” prompt should be punished by having to scroll through the thousands of “you look more like you have to poop” results that this leads to.
Anyone who has ever tried to take sexy selfies knows that a good portion of them come out looking deeply stupid. Trying to look sexy in a photo is usually a recipe for feeling like an alien in a skin suit. Maybe for some people it feels like a natural thing, but I think for most of us it results in sort of inauthentic, self-conscious looking results. The key to avoiding this is to basically forget everything you’ve heard about how to get sexy photos. And, even more importantly, you might have to forget a lot of things you’ve been taught about what is sexy to begin with.
Whether you’re a boudoir client looking for tips on how to feel non-stupid during your shoot or a boudoir photographer struggling to capture natural and sensual looking photos in your boudoir work, check out my guide to non-cheesy boudoir photography and toss the whole traditional boudoir playbook out the window.
No Static Posing
“Will you pose me?”
Erm, yes and no. I will direct you the whole time; you will never feel abandoned to fend for yourself. But I won’t pose you. Posing is a strategy for directing that, at least for boudoir, all but guarantees that your photos will come out looking stiff and unnatural. Static posing, especially when it involves micromanaging every pinky, every lock of hair, and every angle is usually pretty uncomfortable for the subject. It’s so much to hold in your brain all at once, and it makes you feel like you have to be hyper-controlled to be sexy. It’s basically saying, “sexiness is precarious, and we have to construct it very carefully and then capture it quickly before it disintegrates”. Ew.
I tell my boudoir clients to stay in motion nearly the entire time we’re shooting. The key, however, is the kind of motion. I tell them to move slowly, intuitively, and with their breath. I direct them to stretch, explore length and fluidity, and to move at about half speed of how they usually move. Not only does this keep you more in touch with your body and its sensations, it also prevents the I’m-holding-in-a-fart look while we’re exploring what should be a deeply relaxing experience.
I give my boudoir clients plenty of direction as we’re shooting, but I like to let the client’s natural way of moving and being in their body take the lead. I want people to move in ways that feel natural and intuitive to them so that the resulting photos look like them, not like something I am projecting onto them.
Keep It Tactile
Touch yourself.
Like a lot.
Touch your skin, touch your hair, touch your clothes, touch the environment, touch everything. Boudoir is best when it’s a very touchy experience. This is especially easy and fun when you’re doing couples boudoir, since you get to just rub your hands all over your babe. But it’s equally important in solo boudoir sessions! Not only does it keep you grounded in sensuality, it also results in the hottest photos.
Feeling First
I always start my boudoir sessions by having my clients take a few minutes to settle into their bodies. Stretch, breathe, check in with the nooks and crannies, and tune into the sensations in their bodies that so many of us spend our days tuning out of. Then, I tell them that throughout the shoot, I want them to focus on what their body feels like, not what it looks like.
It might sound counterintuitive to ignore what you look like when you’re having someone photograph you, but I guarantee you that even if your goal is to walk away with hot photos, thinking the whole time about what you look like will not be the way to accomplish that. It makes you self-conscious, hyper-aware of all the things that you don’t like about the way you look in an effort to make sure those things aren’t coming through, and just takes you out of your body.
When I look at boudoir photos, I want to feel something. So much boudoir photography comes across as hollow and disconnected, and I think that’s because not nearly enough attention is being paid to the connection between how you feel during the shoot and the way the photos look. If you feel uncomfortable, your photos will probably read as uncomfortable. If you feel in tune with your body and you’re moving from a place of sensuality and breath, getting hot photos is just a matter of me capturing the energy that’s already in front of me.
It’s your job to just be in touch with your body. A good photographer will know how to turn that into hot photos.
Forget About Eye Contact
I’d say in about 99% of the photos I take of myself where I’m looking at the camera, my face looks nothing like what I think it looks like. In my head, I’m giving Tyra. In reality, I’m giving double dose of Benadryl.
Some people are really excellent at photo eyes. They look engaged, connected, relaxed, alluring. Most of those people are professional models. And a select few boudoir clients I’ve had who have just really mastered the non-awkward sexy eye contact.
For most of us, doing an intentionally sexy face looking into the camera is extremely unnatural. And why should it be natural! Most of us don’t spend much time having professional photos taken of us, much less professional sexy photos, so why should we know how to tap into that in a shoot? Plus as soon as we get in front of the camera, most of us suddenly feel hyper self-conscious, which we already know translates into uncomfortable photos.
There are plenty of tricks photographers, myself included, use all the time to get natural eye contact in photo sessions, but actually my favorite way to avoid weird faces is to just skip the eye contact all together in a boudoir shoot. At least for most of the session. I really love when boudoir photos have a sort of almost voyeuristic aesthetic to them, like if you didn’t know any better you’d think that the subject didn’t even know the photographer was in the room. Closed eyes are actually incredible hot when what we’re trying to evoke is a deeply sensual experience — what could be more sensual than disappearing into sensations so much that you have to close your eyes and just feel them?
So you can skip the bedroom eyes and just focus on what your body is feeling, and just let your face follow naturally. It never leads me astray.
Fuck “Flattering”
I could write a dissertation about how bullshit the notion of “flattering” is. It’s one of those sneaky words that sounds like it means something like “you at your best” but, when you dig deeper, usually means something like “approximating a particular set of beauty standards”. There might be a very limited set of cases where that word could mean something non-toxic, but I think in most cases it’s a shifty little synonym for things like “slimmer”, “smaller”, “longer and leaner”, “curvier in the right ways”, blah blah blah. And fuck that.
I think that photographers focusing on flattering-ness, and especially when they let that language creep into the way they direct or talk to clients about their bodies, is one of the worst things they can do, even (and especially) when their stated goal is to help clients embrace their bodies. And given how common that goal is and how many boudoir photographers use that kind of body-positive language in their branding and messaging, I think a lot of us have a long way to go in really unpacking the more subtle ways that weird and gross standards permeate how we think about bodies and beauty.
We all have insecurities. Clients often come into their shoots and say, “I’m insecure about this part of my body” or “can you make me look more XYZ?” What I always tell them is this:
“We don’t have to pretend those insecurities don’t exist, but I also don’t want to let them steer the ship here. What if we just let them sit quietly in the corner while we shoot? They’ll be available for you to pick them back up when we’re done if you want, but I don’t think they deserve to be in charge in this room. Let’s see what happens when we just give them a break for a few hours.”
Limit Retouching
Even after the shoot ends, the commitment so many photographers have to enforcing bullshit body standards endures. So much boudoir is photoshopped to DEATH, so that the resulting images look so distorted and airbrushed that clients look more like Bratz dolls than adult human beings. WHY?? WHY.
Bodies have natural texture. They have shape and color and asymmetry and they take up space and thank god for that. When we try to smooth away all of the interesting edges and details that bodies contain, every boudoir photo looks the same. It could be a photo of absolutely anyone, and we’ve completely lost the plot of what brings most people to boudoir in the first place — to celebrate and capture them.
What I tell people when they ask me if I will retouch their photos is this: I will only retouch things that don’t represent what your body normally looks like. If you have a random scratch on your face that isn’t usually there, or you got a gnarly sunburn last weekend, or you ran into your coffee table and have a big ol’ bruise on your shin, I’m happy to edit that out because that’s not a basic part of what your body looks like. But curves, fat, cellulite, hair, wrinkles, etc. — that’s just you babyyyyyy, and that stays. FaceTune can eat my ass.
De-Gender It
Most boudoir is targeting at cis women. Like, nearly all of it. Most boudoir photographers even explicit use that language in their marketing — “helping women embrace themselves”, “celebrating the female form”, etc. And like, wow what a bummer to limit it to only that!
I get LOTS of clients who come to me looking for a queer boudoir photographer or a boudoir photographer who specifically captures more than just cis women. This is partly because, obviously, more than just cis women are looking for boudoir photographers. But it’s also because boudoir photography can be such a fun and exciting and therapeutic way to explore gender expression! Lots of those clients are specifically interested in exploring non-traditional gender presentation in their shoot, and some of them are even using their shoot to explore some of those aspects of themselves for the first time ever.
I cannot overstate what an honor it is to be able to help people do that kind of self-exploration. But it’s a kind of trust that you can only earn as a photographer if you are actively working to dismantle those traditional notions of who boudoir is for and examine how our collective concepts of what is sexy and attractive are deeply, deeply intertwined with prescriptive gender roles.
Anyway, gender is a potato. And boudoir is for everyone.
Find Your Own Flavor of Sexy
Boudoir is at least partially about capturing something sexy. But wtf does that mean? What is sexy?
I think there are as many ways of being sexy as their are people. For some people, their sexy is joyful. For some, it’s moody and mysterious. For others, it’s playful. For still others, it’s grungy and ugly. Whatever your particular flavor of sexy is, I want to capture that, not some sort of one-size-fits-all notion of sexiness.
When I have a consultation with a boudoir client, I always like to have them compile a little bit of visual inspiration for me (bless a Pinterest board) and send me a little reflection on what they hope to explore and capture in the shoot and a few adjectives that capture the mood they want to evoke. This gives me a good reference point for who they are and what best captures their personal sense of what feels sexy to them. Because who the fuck am I to decide that for them?
Think Outside the Genre
Okay I could write another dissertation about the absolute flaming hot takes that some people have about what does and does not count as boudoir. A lot of photographers have some ^VERY STRONG VIEWS^ about this one.
I call a lot of what I do boudoir photography both because it’s an easy search term for clients to use to find me and also because that’s the genre that a lot of my work grew out of. Some people might look at some of my work and insist, “that’s intimate portraiture! that’s fine art nude photography! that’s erotica! that’s porn! that’s just regular portraiture!”
Apart from the fact that who gives a shit, I actually also think that this kind of rigid attachment to genre categories is counterproductive for photographers. It incentivizes narrowness and uniformity in their work, it stifles creative exploration for both them and their clients, and it blinds one to real and inspiring opportunities to create something that really captures something true for their clients. In fact, new clients often come to me and say that my work called to them precisely because it wasn’t what they were expecting when they searched for boudoir photography.
Sometimes what a client or photographer wants to explore in a shoot is not neatly categorizable in that way, or straddles multiple genres of photography, and if that means the final result doesn’t look like traditional boudoir photography then w h o c a r e s? Pursuit of non-dogmatic creative inspiration and authenticity is a powerful antidote to cheese, so follow the anti-cheese, whatever genre you want to call it.
BREATHE
The last and perhaps most important key to non-cheesy boudoir photography is breath. Breath and then more breath and then after you’re done breathing do some more breathing. No holding your breath, no sucking in your stomach so you can only take shallow breaths, no frozen, static, butthole-clenching posing. Breeeeeeattttthhhhhhheee.
Non-cheesy boudoir photography is not only possible, it’s easier than the cheese. It’s more authentic, more honest, more creative, and most importantly, more you. All you have to do is forget everything you’ve been told about how to do it.