A Queer Photographer's Guide to Planning Your Wedding (Without All the Gendered Bullshit)
Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of you. But if you’re queer—or just not super into being crammed into a traditional gender box—the whole wedding industrial complex can feel like a minefield of outdated roles, awkward assumptions, and straight-up nonsense.
From the second you get engaged (and even before), you’re bombarded with messaging about “the bride and groom”, about “her dress” and “his suit”, and about a million things that don’t apply, or even actively feel gross for queer couples.
If you’ve found yourself side-eyeing vendor forms that assume there’s a “bride’s family” and a “groom’s family,” or touring venues with a frilly, all-white “bridal suite” and a cigar-filled “groom’s lounge”…yeah. You’re not imagining it.
The wedding industry is soaked in gendered nonsense. But you don’t have to translate your love story into a script that was never written for you. You can toss out any part of the wedding process that doesn’t feel like yours.
This is your guide to planning a wedding that actually feels like you, without the gender binary bullshit. Whether you’re queer, trans, nonbinary, or just not into roles that don’t fit—this one’s for you.
Step Zero: De-Gendering Your Proposal & Engagement
The assumptions start before the ring even hits the finger.
Mainstream wedding culture assumes a man is going to propose to a woman with a surprise diamond ring. But what if neither of you is a man? What if you both want rings? What if surprise proposals aren’t your jam?
Talk to your partner. Decide together what engagement looks like for you. None of this has to follow the "man gets down on one knee" format. Do you want to plan it together? Both propose to each other? Is surprise important? Is it important for one particular person to do the proposal? Who will receive an engagement ring? Who will pick out that ring? What actually feels romantic and resonant when you picture that event?
Whatever feels right, do that.
Funding the Wedding
Another dusty-ass tradition? The idea that the bride’s family is supposed to foot the bill.
That model might not apply to you! Maybe you're both contributing, or maybe both of your families are chipping in. Maybe you’re eloping with just a handful of people and spending your budget on pizza and tattoos instead of chair covers.
Discuss finances with your partner and anyone else who’s contributing. Who’s paying for what, and why? Having a solid idea for your budget and how you’re planning to pay for things is a solid step one in the whole wedding planning process.
Hire Vendors Who Actually Get It
There’s a big difference between “queer-friendly” and actually queer.
Queer-friendly vendors are certainly a step in the right direction in that they are not discriminatory, but having vendors who are actually queer themselves or serve *primarily* queer client bases are less likely to have certain gender BS baked into their practices without even knowing it.
They’re more likely to use de-gendered language, be attuned to pronouns, and understand the dynamics of queer love without needing a crash course.
Look for vendors who:
Ask for your names instead of bride/groom
Respect your pronouns without flinching
Don’t assume a bouquet toss or a first dance is happening
Share values that resonate with you
Queer vendors don’t just “include” you, they SEE you, and that matters!
Wardrobe = Wear Whatever the Hell You Want
All wardrobe is for all genders. Period. Wedding dresses aren’t just for women. Suits aren’t just for men. Bouquets aren’t just for “brides.” Hair and makeup shouldn’t only be offered to femmes.
Whether you want a suit, a jumpsuit, a colored gown, or sequined coveralls, if it makes you feel powerful, hot, and like you, it belongs. You can also opt in or out of any of the traditional wedding accessories. For instance, I love wedding dresses, but veils and bouquets aren't really my thing, so I'm skipping those at my own wedding.
Bonus tip: work with designers or shops that specialize in queer, nonbinary, and trans clients, and showcase diverse models in their materials. They’ll know how to fit your body and your gender identity.
Ditch the Gender Roles in Wedding Parties + Pre-Wedding Events
No one needs to be assigned to a “side.”
You can skip the bridesmaids/groomsmen divide. You can call them your “wedding crew,” your “ride-or-dies,” or nothing at all. You can all get ready together, throw a mixed-gender pre-wedding bash, or spend the morning soaking in a quiet bath solo. You’re not obligated to separate your people by gender for any part of this.
Want someone to stand beside you on your wedding day? You don’t have to default to “maid of honor” or “best man”. Just pick whoever you’d like beside you!
Your Ceremony Script
“You may now kiss the bride.”? Hard pass. The bride walks down the aisle to be “given away” by her dad, if that’s relevant and what you want, sure.
You get to write your own ceremony script, or work with an officiant who gets you. Decide who (if anyone) walks down the aisle, who stands with you, and what language reflects your love.
Queer the Reception, Too
Will you and your partner do a first dance? Who will twirl whom around when you're out on the dance floor? If you don't like the traditional father-daughter/mother-son pairings for parent dances, how can you mix it up to make it feel more like you?
You don’t need a bouquet toss. You don’t need a first dance. You don’t need to assign gendered roles to parent dances. You can change clothes midway through the night. You can skip dinner and have a dance party in a club. You can have a silent disco, a bubble machine, and a late-night dip in a pool.
Whatever feels like you is valid. If it makes you feel like you’re performing for an audience? Toss it.
Legal Shit & Name Changes
Who (if anyone) is changing their name? Why? What does that represent for you? Consider pronouns, prefixes (Mr./Mx./none at all), and what will feel most affirming in your new chapter. And if you’re doing legal paperwork like a prenup, make sure it reflects the true dynamics of your partnership—not outdated gender roles about labor, earning, or ownership.
You get to build a marriage that works for your actual lives, not just what a form says.
You Can Do Whatever the F*ck You Want
The wedding industry will try to tell you what you have to do. So will well-meaning friends and family. And Instagram. And Pinterest. And vendors who “don’t mean anything by it.”
You don’t owe anyone shit.
Every piece of your wedding can be chosen. Or not. The only thing you’re obligated to do is marry the person you love (assuming you want to). Everything else is optional.
De-gendering your wedding isn’t just about rejecting tradition. It’s about reclaiming space. It’s about building a day that sees you, celebrates you, and feels fucking awesome to live inside of.
The more we collectively de-gender weddings, the more space we make for future queer love stories to unfold without friction, confusion, or compromise.
This is your permission slip to rip up the playbook.
And if you’re looking for a wedding photographer who gets it, I’m right here and I’d love to hear from you!